Fantasy League 2024: Post-Draft Roast Recap

“The only thing more disappointing than your team was the snack table.” (This is what AI says about our draft.)

🧀 Nine Inch Males

1st Pick: Tyreek Hill | Other Gems: Jaleel McLaughlin, Evan McPherson, J.K. Dobbins (why?)

This team drafted like they were stuck in 2022. Tyreek Hill flamed out faster than Tua’s Week 2 concussion protocol. Dalton Kincaid was supposed to be the next Kelce but played more like the next Kyle Rudolph. They drafted Anthony Richardson thinking he was a fantasy cheat code. Unfortunately, his best stat was "games missed." Bonus points for drafting two Moores (Elijah and D.J.) and still having no clue who the WR1 is.

Grade: D+ – They drafted for upside. Unfortunately, that’s where their team went: up... in flames.

🍺 Kicker? I Hardly Know Her

1st Pick: Amon-Ra St. Brown | Other Gems: David Montgomery, Jake Ferguson, Chigoziem Okonkwo

If this team’s draft was a movie, it’d be Gone in 60 Points. After St. Brown and Montgomery, the roster devolved into a collection of “guys who almost did something.” Josh Palmer might’ve outscored most of their WR bench. Kenny Pickett and Desmond Ridder put up more embarrassing tape than this team’s trade offers.

And why did they stash Chigoziem Okonkwo for 16 weeks like a fine wine only to watch him turn into boxed Franzia?

Grade: C- – Almost clever, but fantasy isn’t won on almosts. Also, they drafted two defenses, which is basically fantasy sudoku.

🧠 Hawk Tua

1st Pick: Nick Chubb | Other Gems: Pat Freiermuth, Austin Ekeler, Zay Flowers (oops they passed)

Drafting Nick Chubb in the first round was the fantasy equivalent of getting on the Titanic after it hit the iceberg. Then they took Jonathan Taylor in Round 3… who apparently was on strike, a milk carton, or both.

Stafford was a decent QB… for 2016. Pat Freiermuth? Bro was injured more than Anthony Davis in a bounce house. They also took Fairbairn in Round 12, because who doesn’t love a kicker when you’re down by 40?

Grade: D – This team drafted like they thought it was a nostalgia league.

💊 Tua Took A Viagra

1st Pick: CeeDee Lamb | Other Gems: Jahmyr Gibbs, Sam LaPorta, Marvin Mims (lol)

Give this team credit — they were either high or prophetic. Lamb and Gibbs were fire. But they drafted Kyle Pitts like it was a dare, and Jerry Jeudy was their WR3 (even though he was WR85 in reality).

Also took Godert and LaPorta, which feels like they were hoarding TEs to start a boutique tight end museum. Drafted Higgins after the injury news — bold move, Cotton.

Grade: B- – Started strong, fizzled like Tua’s brain after Week 2.

👖 I’m Wearing My Levis

1st Pick: Christian McCaffrey | Other Gems: Jordan Love, TJ Hockenson, Ridley (lol)

CMC was great. But everything else? Not so much. Drafted James Conner and George Pickens thinking it was 2021. TJ Hockenson gave them two good weeks before vanishing like a Raiders offensive plan. Oh, and they drafted their QB, Will Levis, in Round 14 — bold move for a guy with a 54% completion rate and a tendency to throw like he’s blindfolded.

Ended up starting Prescott half the year, crying full-time.

Grade: C – You don’t get bonus points for pun-based team names when your players are scoring 7.3 per week.

🚿 Bed, Bath, and Bijan

1st Pick: Bijan Robinson | Other Gems: Barkley, Stroud, Calvin Ridley

This team looked elite… on paper. Bijan was supposed to be the chosen one but got out-touched by Jonnu Smith. Saquon was allergic to touchdowns. Calvin Ridley was as consistent as a broken vending machine. But hey, Stroud was a hit.

Still, you can’t rely on your QB alone when your WRs have hands made of Vaseline.

Grade: C+ – Drafted for breakout potential. Only CJ Stroud got the memo.

🐘 Big Chungus

1st Pick: Tua Tagovailoa | Other Gems: Jacobs, Metcalf, Engram

Taking Tua in the first round was like using your first paycheck to buy Dogecoin — risky, overly optimistic, and ultimately sad. Jacobs forgot how to run. DK caught more attitude than touchdowns. Evan Engram was consistent but not game-breaking. And Odell Beckham? Bold pick for a player who was mostly an Instagram model in shoulder pads.

Grade: D – This team peaked at the draft, then spiraled into irrelevance.

🧼 Ain’t She Purdy

1st Pick: Brock Purdy | Other Gems: Rashee Rice, Zay Flowers, McBride

Taking Brock Purdy in Round 1 was wild — but it almost worked out. Then the rest of the team played like they thought Purdy would carry them. Jaxon Smith-Njigba was invisible, and Mims was just there for moral support. Trey McBride turned into something… but by then, it was too late.

It’s like this team watched all the preseason hype videos and thought, “Yes. All of this will definitely work.”

Grade: C – Drafted like a Reddit thread come to life.

🏈 Foot N Balls

1st Pick: Patrick Mahomes | Other Gems: Henry, Diggs, Aiyuk, Engram

This team went for star power, then quickly realized Mahomes’ fantasy numbers were more pedestrian than impressive. Derrick Henry is 47 years old in football years. Stefon Diggs? Ghosted more fantasy managers than Tinder dates. Brandon Aiyuk was the lone bright spot, but by then, the ship was sinking faster than the Broncos' playoff hopes.

Grade: C- – Could’ve been great. Instead, ended up mid. Just like Mahomes' fantasy season.

🥵 Till Sweat Drops Down Breece Hall

1st Pick: Sam LaPorta (somehow Round 1?) | Other Gems: Breece Hall, Allen, Achane

No idea what this team was doing. Drafted LaPorta in Round 1 like they had insider info. Turns out it was a lucky guess. Allen and Achane had flashes, but injuries and inconsistency ruined the vibe. Breece Hall, though? Beautiful pick. He carried this team kicking and screaming into Week 10.

Then the rest of the squad collapsed like a wet taco. Also, their team name had more creativity than their flex spots.

Grade: B- – If Breece was your RB1, RB2, and WR3… you might’ve stood a chance.